not again…

I’ve done it again, the thing I swore I would “never do again”, I ran my mouth off and said things I wish I could take back. Why do I keep doing this? I have this picture of the kind of woman I want to be: one who doesn’t gossip or tear people down, one who builds up the people around her and encourages everyone she encounters.

So why is that SO HARD?

Romans 7:15-25 For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate…. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh ; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.

I swear, this should be my life passage! I want to be that Proverbs 31 woman who is a wonderful wife, mother and friend, but most days I am so far from that it isn’t even funny. I hate what I am and I do what I hate but I don’t know how to break that cycle. How do I follow God in those moments when my tongue automatically starts to follow it’s old master?

So if I am no longer a slave to sin why do I keep following it? I am so sick of the depressing cycle: run off my mouth, feel horrible and apologize, then do it all over again. I make resolutions that “this is it, no more of this slander/gossip/idle talk!” But again I just fail and feel the shame of that failure.

To refuse to make ‘resolutions’ and ‘vows’ for that is to trust in the flesh – Miles Stanford

My mom had this quote on the fridge for most of my childhood and I read it over and over but never really understood what it meant until I went to Bible School and studied his book myself. (The Complete Green Letters) We tend to think that resolutions and vows are a really great thing to make, like “Don’t worry God, I swear, I am done with this sin, I’ll make you proud” It sounds pretty silly when you say it like that.

So I know that in myself I can’t change it, my sinful nature (even redeemed) is incapable of taming my tongue by itself. But how do I choose to listen to the Holy Spirit before those harmful words seep out? In those moments of intense emotion how do I listen to the still, small voice over the roar of my own stupid words?

not again

I want people to look at me and see Jesus. I want my words and actions to point people towards his saving grace but that won’t happen if my tongue keeps getting in the way.

I don’t have answers to wrap this up all neatly with, this is a huge learning process for me, maybe the biggest one of my life since it affects almost everything. For now I just keep praying and asking forgiveness and trusting that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion. (Philippians 1:6)


7 thoughts on “not again…

  1. shanelleducommun

    🙂 We still love you. We all have our sins, some just are louder then others, but all the same in God’s eyes. All you can do is pray and pray about it, and know that you are only human, and will continue to sin. Stay focused on the hope of glory when we will sin no more!

  2. Mom

    The thing that Judy has been saying in our Bible study is that ALL our sins are forgiven, past, present and future. God sees us as He sees Christ, it is us that puts these downers on ourselves. She said when she sins she just says “thanks Lord that you have forgiven me. that there is nothing I can do to attain righteousness on my own, it’s All of you and NONE of me.” I love it when she talks about it because she is so excited and I have my fingernails on the edge of that truth, trying to get it through my thick skull, just hanging on.

  3. Katrina Shannon

    I’m right there with you, Kristina! We’ve been doing a study at our Mom’s group about this very subject. It’s called “Unglued” – it’s really been helping me make imperfect progress in this area. ❤

  4. Pingback: action plan | my2monsters

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